My Theorem Of Birthdays

2014-02-07 09.27.58

I’ve had this so called “Theorem Of Birthdays” for quite awhile, but for some reason I can’t seem to find it in the archives. It possibly got wiped back in 2012 when I got hacked but, luckily, I happen to remember it. So here is how I view birthdays and what their significance is:

    May The Fortieth Be With You Cake featuring Angry Bird Wookie
  • 1 Year Old – your chances of dying from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome drops dramatically
  • 7 Years Old – it’s a luck number in many cultures
  • 10 Years Old – you’ve made it a full decade and are in double digits… where you will remain the vast majority of the rest of your time on this earth
  • 12 Years Old – it’s the last year you will be “cute” until you become a “rotten” teenager
  • 13 Years Old – you’re officially a “rotten” teenager
  • 16 Years Old – parents following society mythos declare it as your “Sweet 16” even though you are still a “rotten” teenager
  • 18 Years Old – you can now vote for government officials, be drafted, and get an actual driver’s license instead of a permit BUT you still can’t drink
  • 19 Years Old – your last year as a “rotten” teenager
  • 20 Years Old – you’re no longer a “rotten” teenager, but rather a young adult
  • 21 Years Old – you can finally drink legally!
  • 25 Years Old – you get out of “Assigned Risk” with the car insurance companies

After turning 25 years old it becomes a near desolate wasteland with only two things left for you to look forward to:

  • 50 Years Old – you can join AARP!
  • 65 Years Old – you can FINALLY start getting that Social Security money back!

So yeah, that’s my “Theorem Of Birthdays“.

In other words, I hate them.

But then again, it is the only time I get Cookie Puss

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… so it can’t be ALL bad.

May The Fourth Be With You!



calm-you-shall-keepToday happens to be Star Wars Day!!! This is as official of a geek holiday as it’s going to get, so be sure to enjoy it as I will… with my Millenium Falcon ice cubes cooling my Death Sticks beverage while I consume all that is holy and good in this world and the ones in galaxies far far away (Episodes II-VI).

I know right now there is a lot of speculation, rumors, and cool photos of table reads regarding the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII. I know this because my own mother mentioned it to me yesterday in passing, so the excitement for Episode VII has spilled over the brim of the internet and is now manifesting itself physically in the average every day world. I won’t lie, I am in fact looking forward to it, but I won’t get my hopes up too high.

Remember Phantom Menace? Yeah, exactly.

Star-Wars-VII-CastI’m still going to see it. Heck, I saw Amazing Spiderman 2 yesterday, and if I’m willing to go see that piece of trash yawn fest then it’s obvious I’m not as discerning theatrically as perhaps I once was… but that’s neither here nor there.

Yesterday MTV unveiled this very cool poster with all of the known cast members from Episode VII. I know, it makes you excited, doesn’t it? I won’t pretend it isn’t cool, because it is actually very cool. Yet despite all the rumors and cool creative derivative pieces helping the hype… the bottom line is I’m keeping my Tauntauns on and will wait until I see the actual whole movie before declaring it a piece of all that is holy and good in this world and the ones in galaxies far far away.

Because that’s just how I roll. Like a Fett.

May the Fourth be with you…


1,000 Fanatical Followers… And Counting


IMG_6282So late last week I crossed one of those “Social Media Milestones” that are supposed to be an indicator that you’ve “made it”.

I got my 1,000th follower on Twitter on my personal account @DavidKonig.

It’s something that at one time would have been celebrated, ballyhooed, and a sure sign that I was a golden tweeting deity!

Yeah… not so much. I’ve been on Twitter a long, long, long time. In all that time I’ve always questioned its effectiveness. Sure for in the moment messaging it can have a wide reach, but the ability to have a long term effect is too reliant on the self-absorbed masses. Still, I would prefer that than the Facebook filtering that goes on.

So yeah, I have 1,000 fanatical followers (a term I’ve relatively hated from the beginning because of its cult innuendo) and I’m still going to be counting them, but don’t expect me to get all over excited about it. Heck, it took me days to even think about blogging about it! So yeah, really, no biggie.

1,000 followers isn’t cool. 1,000,000,000 followers… now THAT’s cool (and a sure sign you paid for some of those)!!!

Yeah, I couldn’t resist using that line.

My Prediction On WWE’s Big Announcement Tomorrow Night In Vegas

Vince McMahon

It shouldn’t, or at least I hope it doesn’t, surprise anyone that I’m a relatively long time wrestling fan. How old you ask?

I saw Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka at Madison Square Garden live kind of old.

Taking Wrestler Mark Henry Out On A Stretcher

Taking Wrestler Mark Henry Out On A Stretcher

So the other day I got a text message from WWE (because yeah, I get “Breaking News” alerts via text message from them) about a press conference tomorrow night from Las Vegas that will “change the WWE forever.” So right away, I figured it was probably going to be either an announcement for Royal Rumble (the next PPV) or something to do with the WWE Network. The Press Conference would be viewable through the WWE app.

Then I was reminded that CES is going on in Vegas for the week. So that got me thinking… what if they were going to announce the WWE Network as a streaming service? Make it a channel or app similar to Netflix and HBO Go, available through Roku and/or Apple TV or on your mobile device whether it be tablet of phone? A network where you did not need a cable subscription… a truly a la carte’ channel?

If that’s what WWE is doing, not only do they stand to revolutionize wrestling but ALL of entertainment as well.

Oh, and if I’m right… remember you read it here first.

Counting Sheep


I snore.


No… not that loud… LOUDER!

So while I was at my doctor to fight my latest round of cellulitus, he asked me about how I had been sleeping. So I told him that honestly I hadn’t slept so well the last few nights, and that I snore. So, he wanted me to go for a sleep study since I had never had one before. Basically, as he explained it, you go spend the night in a hotel like room where they monitor you during your sleep and develop a huge reported to find out what’s going on when you’re not awake. Not surprisingly he has some concerns about sleep apnea, so I agreed with the idea of yet another night in a foreign bed if, for nothing else, it would cut down on my snoring.

IMG_5595So here’s the thing with doing a sleep study… it’s unbelievably unnerving. It’s easily a ten minute plus process to attach all these wires and electrodes to monitor you throughout the night. They use traditional electrodes along with this white goopy substance that feels almost like rubber cement, but nowhere near as firm. Once all the wiring is done and your nose is invaded by probes, there is this tremendous fear that sets upon you about actually moving, lest you unplug yourself. Try to get comfortable? Yeah, not so much. It’s a counter-intuitive situation to try to go to sleep under.

But I did it anyway.

And they only had to wake me up once to reattach a leg electrode and move wires from my chest to my back. So all in all, it wasn’t too terrible once you got past the onset of fear of movement. So now that it’s done, now I wait to see what they found while studying my sleep.

I hope its something cool… like Sasquatch.

Heart Attacked Grill

Photo Sep 12, 8 21 44 PM

QuadNurseIt has been around seven years now that I have wanted to go to the Heart Attack Grill©. Originally based in Arizona, the establishment had first come to my attention when a nurse’s group wanted the restaurant closed down for the Halloween costumes they had their waitresses wear. I was intrigued by the parody of a hospital setting in a world that, at that time, had seemed to go all organic.

Photo Sep 12, 8 31 17 PMThe original Heart Attack Grill© was founded 2005 in Arizona. Serving up super sized burgers by waitresses dressed in nurse halloween costumes, the establishment became the target of Nursing Associations and Nutritional Advocates alike. This did not stop it from branching out to Dallas and Las Vegas in the late naughts. After the high profile death of spokesperson for the restaurant Blair Rivera, both the Arizona and Dallas locations closed in 2011. The Las Vegas location is the last of the Heart Attack Grill© restaurants standing but is not without its share of controversy. In February of 2013 daily-patron John Alleman passed of an apparent heart attack while waiting at the bus stop outside the restaurant. Nevertheless I remained undaunted in my desire to at least experience the restaurant which remains the beacon for freedom of choice and the personification of a society consumed by its own unsated appetite for consumption.

Quadruple ByPass BurgerSo aside from it’s obvious parodic nature, year round use of Halloween costumes, unique customer attire, and imported sugary soft drinks, what could be this place’s actual claim to caloric fame? They are the originators of the Quadruple Bypass Burger©. This is four all 1/2 pound all beef patties, lettuce, an onion, 8 slices of cheese, 20 strips of bacon, and chilli. Now they don’t just slap the meat together between the buns, oh no. Each patty is prepared as if it was an individual burger and then they are all stacked between the bun piled high and staked with wooden skewers to keep it from toppling over. The burger holds the distinction of being the highest caloric burger on a menu, weighing in at 9,982 calories large!


So yeah, of course I had to get one…

Photo Sep 12, 8 21 44 PM

Now I know what your thinking… if you ate that, you would die! Well I am living proof that you can eat it and live!

Well… okay… let’s be honest… I only had what would have equated to a Single Bypass Burger out of that Quadruple Bypass Burger. What’s the penalty for not finishing your burger? Well, in a twist on the whole “Naughty Nurse” motif, it becomes a case of the “Naughty Patient” and there is only one penalty for that…

Of course, this is all done in good parodic fun.

All in all, I love the anti-establishment motif, but the food was meh at it’s best. It does make for a FANTASTIC postcard though!

Lil Bub and I


atStrandBooksTonight (or actually last night considering when this post is set to publish) I made a journey to the Greenwhich Village area to visit the Strand Bookstore (which boasts on their awning about having 18 miles of books) along with 299 other people for a once in a lifetime experience.

Now I know many of you are probably wondering, “Wait, doesn’t he read only ebooks now?” You’re right, I do read ebooks 99% of the time. That remaining 1% is reserved for those very special books. Books who are authored by skilled artisans of the craft containing powerful soul clenching content. It has to be a book with meaning, with purpose, and an uncanny knack for speaking to the cofe of my being.

This is one of those books.

Lil BUB’s Lil Book: The Extraordinary Life of the Most Amazing Cat on the Planet

And here I am with the author herself…


Yes. I met Lil Bub!!!

I have to be honest, except for the Strand Books redheaded line worker/announcer who kept referring to Lil Bub as “the cat” (which is like referring to Stephen King as “the human”), it was a very pleasant and exciting experience. It’s not everyday you get to meet the cutest, amazing, adorable, internet cat sensation in the world! So thanks to Lil Bub and her cool dude Mike for coming back to New York and doing a night event!!!

Of course, the second moment of the night was when a typical New Yorker came to us on the line at the corner of 12th and Lafayette asking what everyone was doing there. I explained to him it was for Lil Bub, the cutest most famous cat on the internet, and asked if he had ever heard of her. He told me no. I then asked him if he had internet, to which he replied yes. I think he was a bit shocked to be asked if he had internet, and I covered his shock by telling him to go to LilBub.com. Silly humans.


So now I have a signed copy of the book, I’ve met Lil Bub, and I have the photo to prove it!

How ya like me now internet?

One Of Those Cool Moments

Oxygen Mask String

Recently while working a woman came in with her wedding ring stuck on her quickly swelling finger. She had felt some tightness there that morning, but went on with her day in the hopes that the swelling would just go down so she could take the ring off.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

Instead the finger swelled and when she arrived in the office I got out our handy dandy $9.99 ring cutter. With one crank of the key, it broke.


Luckily a co-worker and I had both watched this video on YouTube:

Oxygen Mask StringNeedless to say, with a slight alteration to the wrapping method of starting the wrap at the base and going up the finger as opposed to the direction in the video, we were able to get the ring off. The challenge was getting past the proximal interpharangeal (knuckle) and wrapping in the direction the video recommended was mushrooming the skin over the ring in such a way that compression was unable to compensate for it. Ultimately this technique preserved the ring and the patient did not require a trip to the hospital.

It was really one of those rare but very cool moments when something on the internet not only proved true, but very valuable.

The Sweetest Comeback In The History of Ever.™

Twinkies Dave

LL Cool J famously told you not to call it a comeback. The new Hostess are telling us to not only call it a comeback, but that it’s the sweetest one in the history of ever. I wholeheartedly agree.

Twinkies ComebackBeginning yesterday the return of Twinkies to store shelves began in earnest. The spongy golden cake cream filled treats have made a triumphant return to the snack cake aisles of America after nearly being extinguished over 8 months ago due to the flailings of their maker. Slightly rebranded with a trademarked comeback motto, in the same colorful boxes, and with 10 cakes per box the internet masses are getting what they have clamored for during this unforseen Twinkie drought.

Twinkies Nutritional InfoWith their return also comes the criticism from those who are quick to point out the nutritional value of a Twinkie equates it to caloric trash for the body. One serving (two cakes) contain 270 calories, with 80 of those calories from fat, making it a practical meal unto itself. The 48 grams of carbohydrates, 33 of those grams from sugar, doesn’t help their credibility with those bordering diabetics who just finished returning their Paula Deen cookbooks. With an additional admitted shelf life of now 45 days, the Nutritional Value Nazis are having a grand time conjuring images of what those preservatives are doing to your insides.

I can’t help but feel that this is more than a story of the nutritional value of a food item. It is more than a story about a failing company retrieved from bankruptcy and reorganized. It is more than a story about a snack cake. This… this is a story about us as people.

It is a story about the smells, tastes, and feel of more than one generation’s childhood. The Twinkie represents a tangible reminder. It is a reminder of the joys we once knew. Of the innocence we sacrificed upon the altar of society entering adulthood. Of the days when everything that was wrong in the world was righted simply, easily, with nothing more than a cellophane wrapped cream filled spongy golden cake. The Twinkie is a reminder of those memories… feelings… sense of security that no matter how bad it was… everything was going to be alright. The Twinkie, and its comeback, are a testament to the nature of man and our ability to “make it happen” for those that matter.

The Twinkie is not a lie.

Now, with all that said and done, when can I expect some Sno-Balls?

What If The Purge Wasn’t Just A Movie

Dave Say What

I didn’t get to see The Purge while it was in theaters, but the trailer continues to intrigue me…

The_Purge_posterI have to be honest, the idea is more than intriguing. Having a set period, annually, where any crime can be committed and ALL emergency services are suspended.

Forget about the crime part for a minute… because that does seem a bit beyond the scope.

What if ALL emergency services were just suspended for a day. How many crimes (although evidence gathered during that time could be used for prosecution once that one day is over) would be committed? How many houses/buildings would be burned down? How many lives would be lost because there were no ambulances?

I don’t think we’d ever actually find out, but I bet the number would be lower than you may think. When you take into account the sheer amount of non-emergency calls that are responded to the truly life threatening calls easily get lost in that translation. I’m not talking about the “unconscious” that’s actually just sleeping their drink off, I’m talking about the truly life threatening emergencies.

The fact is, unless we enact some Purge style tests, we’ll probably actually never know.

I say bring it on!