Back in May was the one-year mark where life as I had known it since 2008 altered itself once again. It wasn’t an abrupt apocalyptical altering, as has been known to happen from time to time. It was more of a subtle nudging before that final push past an ethereal point of no return on a path (or off it) not originally intended.
As with everything else, this last year has had its high points and its low points. I ended up diverting from what this blog had originally been focused on, a business aspect to a brand and platform for my writing. Instead it became a dumping ground for the cathartic pontifications that I would use to unburden myself in moments of insomnia interspersed with the usual mundane musings I have… something I used to do elsewhere, in a different time, with other people.
The positive effects getting these words out of me is often underestimated, even by myself. Ironically, I’ve written about words and how action is what really matters most in the world. So the fact that mere words can have such a profound ramification on my being can be surprising in the least. Yet, isn’t that how it always is? The things you view as mattering the least can often damage or raise you up the most.
I’ve pondered on motivation and how the littlest things can mean the most (although they tend to be the easiest to overlook) in finding a reason to act. Really, it is ultimately about action, the ones you take and the ones you choose not to perform. There is no puppet master… in the words of Ultron, “There are no strings on me.”
I’ve defined failure for myself so that I have a benchmark to strive for. Without definitions and goals how would you be able to determine levels of success? More importantly… do you even need to? Is being able to wake up in the morning and draw a breathe in success in its own right? If I were a self-centered type person, I surely would think so. Unfortunately that’s not how I’m wired, so having those definitions, benchmarks, and goals are more of a personal necessity. Competitive much? Hell yes, and I absolutely do love the euphoric sensation of the win. It’s almost as intoxicating as a good blueberry muffin.
Still I am left with this task of determining who I am under new and more dynamic conditions.
This quote is such an interesting one. I think it is very true that once you get to the proverbial “beaking” point whether it is a task, a situation, a philosophical ideal, or with a person it is your actions that will define who you are. These actions are not an automatic or involuntary response, but rather a conscious choice that you are making. I’ve always been in the position of being the bad bet, the long shot, the dead money, and through association was a fan of the underdog. I used to always go all in pre-flop with pocket deuces or the cursed A-8. My focus remained on making things happen almost any way possible to achieve the end result, occasionally in manners that would be considered neither conventional nor acceptable. I would walk into a room outnumbered, and yet I would never be outgunned in the situation because I always prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. I would be undyingly loyal to those who mattered the most to me regardless of whether they would reciprocate or not. I have often been overly trusting and borderline naieve when it comes to the true motivations and intentions of others. There have been times when I would both achieve beyond my capabilities or blunder a proverbial cake walk into an OCF. There were times where I would bring about what I should not have been able to or fell short in something I should have had fully in hand. This is what I have been in the past through choice. It really has not been an easy time as evidenced by my growing amount of gray hair.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I need to decide whether I’m going to continue this path or change the things that don’t seem to be working for a different outcome, and therefore determining who I am going to be in the future. Choice is at the basis of everything really, which brings me to what is probably my most favorite quote of all time…
“In each of us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want most to be we are.”
-Robert Louis Stevenson
It’s not an easy thing to make such choices. This is why I often try to reserve my decision making power for when it really matters instead of on something petty and small… like what’s for lunch. It’s going to be the choices I make and the things that do which will define me going forward. In order to change how I am defined, I need to start changing how I make those choices. That’s something I neither relish the idea of or look forward to… but in the end it is what will need to be done.
But enough about that… because today is actually the best day for a completely different reason. Why?
Because today is my Cookie Puss day…
There will be plenty of time to determine who I will be after I eat that… or maybe not. Because really, you just never know what’s going to happen. The only two things for certain in life are death and taxes… and not that you’ll get to anything tomorrow that you put off from today.
I know… I’m such a Polly Ana right now… not.
Yeah… well… be well and have a great weekend.