Recently it seems that I’ve had a lot of arduous to have conversations, made some monumental admissions, and have had to make some very demanding decisions both professionally and personally. In the scope of everything though, I recently had the hardest conversation I’ve ever had to have…
The one about the end.
Advanced directives, healthcare proxies, and of course the Do Not Resuscitate/Do Not Intubate paperwork. Throw in a MOLST form for some added confusion and a physical therapist who has suddenly become a lawyer, and that’s a recipie for me becoming a tPA candidate. It’s an odd sensation, being a participant of a conversation you have overheard so many times before amongst other people. Still… despite having a better than average grasp of the subject matter… I still don’t think it was as effective and clear as I had hoped it would be.
Something else I’ve noticed recently is that I’m not necessarily as effective at communication as I once was, or at least thought I was. I find myself more and more doing things without explanation (assuming others already understand why I’m doing it) or being disappointed in actions/inaction (in hindsight failing to have set the expectation I had) of others. I’ve also come under fire for, ironically, not sharing enough.
Can you imagine that? Me? The guy who until FourSquare died made sure the entire world knew where I was and what I was doing… especially if I was getting coffee.
It’s so odd. I wonder if it’s that I’ve changed and become a different person… or did I just not really know myself to begin with?
Maybe that’s why this was such a hard conversation to have had with my parents. Because in this case I am a different person… or at least in a different position. Standing from the outside looking in is one thing… but when you’re on the inside having the conversation with those who matter most it’s the different perspective, the personal closeness, that makes the topic harder than usual. Maybe that’s why it’s such a difficult thing to talk about… or why I’m up at 2:30am blogging about it.